Parenting Your Parents

After the sizzling summer most of the country has experienced, it’s hard to believe that we’ll soon be complaining about how cold it is, how much snow we have to shovel and how treacherous those ice-glazed sidewalks can be. With autumn fast approaching, now is a good time for seniors and their families to give some thought to future living arrangements. Is home becoming too much to handle? Are safety and the everyday demands of upkeep and yard work becoming issues? Is selling the house and relocating to a retirement community beginning to look like a smart move?

Having counseled many seniors and their adult children who are exploring Bethany Village as an option, I can share with you three guiding principles for families making this very important life decision:

·  Don’t wait until you are in the midst of a crisis to start looking at retirement communities. You won’t have the time, clarity and peace of mind needed to make an informed decision. It’s much better to start exploring before you feel the pressing need to act. Just because you are investigating choices doesn’t mean a move is immanent; it simply means you are investing some time and thought in deciding the next step in living arrangements.

·  Put your feelings on the table. Adult children often approach talking to their parents about selling the house with some trepidation. It can be difficult conversation wrought with emotion. Sometimes, however, an older person may have already been thinking about making the move and welcomes some assistance in sorting out feelings and coming up with a strategy. Sit down together and make a pros and cons list. What are the benefits vs. drawbacks – financial, social, lifestyle, health, safety and mobility – of selling the house and moving to a retirement community? Visit some retirement communities to learn more about amenities and costs. Keep an open mind and be honest about your fears and concerns.

·  Be realistic about selling your house. There’s no denying that the economy has been rough on real estate sales. Sometimes, older people may resist selling in today’s depressed market, choosing instead to “wait until things get better” so they don’t lose a penny of the equity they always planned to leave to their children. Recently, an adult child visiting Bethany Village told me that she explained to her parents that waiting to sell was not their only option. If they really wanted to give her a meaningful gift, they could give it to her right now by moving into a place where she had the comfort of knowing every day that they were safe, active and relieved of the burden of maintaining a house.

Ultimately, you may conclude that staying put is the best choice, at least for the time being. Having fully explored the options, however, means that everyone involved in the decision-making process will be that much ahead of the game if and when moving into a retirement community starts looking like the next logical step in safe and happy senior living.

What is your main concern about moving to a retirement community? Please make a comment below.

ABC News recently launched a series called Elder Care: Families on the Brink hosted by Diane Sawyer. The roundtable discussions focus on topics for adult children, specifically, having difficult conversations with mom and dad.

Have you ever wondered how to handle sensitive subjects involving aging parents such as driving, medication management, will creation and more? The ABC News series promises to help.

Panelists include Martha Stewart, Dr. Neil Resnick, Virginia Morris and Dr. Marie Bernard.

Watch the debut of the series below.




Are your parents thinking of moving to a continuing care retirement community like Bethany Village? Get your questions answered one-on-one by scheduling a personalized appointment with a senior living counselor. Just call 937-436-6850 or click through our website.

Are you retired and looking to make a move to a senior living community like Bethany Village? Maybe you’re an adult child and you are planning for both your parent and yourself. As we get ready to usher in a new year, give yourself some time to reflect on the past…and what you would like to happen in the future.

If you want to start 2011 off right, you’ll need a plan. Here are some popular resolutions for seniors:


 

1. Consider your living arrangements. Is it time to move to a senior living community and leave the life of maintenance and housework behind?
2. Get (or keep!) moving every day for optimal physical fitness. Bethany Village exercise physiologist Christy Trittschuh reminds all of us to start small and do mild exercises like walking.
3. Clean out your dressers, drawers, closets and donate what you no longer want or need. Think of the feeling of accomplishment when you have all that free closet space!
4. Make plans to get together with a friend or neighbor at least once a week. This forces you to keep a social schedule and strengthens your non-familial relationships.
5. Be indulgent. That’s right! You’ve earned that extra (occasional!) cookie or extra hour of sleep. Drop the guilt, enjoy life more.

All those resolutions are well and good for people who are already retired. But what if you are a Baby Boomer and thinking about retiring in the next decade or so? There are some important resolutions you should be considering as well. Here are a few key points:

1. Get your financial house in order. Baby Boomers Retirement Network has an entire checklist regarding your finances and future retirement goals. The top of their list? Stashing enough money in your 401(k) to get your employer match and don’t keep all your investments in one company’s stock.
2. Get moving everyday. Just like mom and dad, you need to move it…or lose it! Hit the gym or grab a friend and go walking. Staying healthy cuts down on doctor bills.
3. Take good care of your aging parents and plan for both your futures.
4. Hire a lawyer and get a will…and a living will, too.
5. Travel to different destinations and consider where you’d like to spend retirement. 

So that’s what the experts say should be on your resolution list for 2011. Do you have any other resolutions not listed here?

Bethany Village, a nationally accredited Continuing Care Retirement Community, has been providing quality senior living to the Dayton community for more than 60 years and was recently recognized as the retirement community of choice in the Dayton, Ohio area. Since 1946, Bethany has devoted itself to faithfully caring for the needs of older adults. Bethany Village is sponsored by Graceworks Lutheran Services, an organization incorporated in 1926 with a mission to help people of all faiths experience dignity and wholeness.


Come and See
For information on our wide range of residential choices or to take a tour of our community, call the Bethany Marketing Department at 937-436-6850 if you're exploring a new living experience for yourself or your parents.

Bethany's 100-acre campus, with tree-rich walking paths and a lake, includes:

• Contemporary new villas with expansive floor plans 
• Cottage homes of a variety of sizes, accessories and affordability
• Spacious new apartments with convenient parking garage and a large deck for outdoor gatherings and fun events
• Comfortable, convenient apartments to suit
• Assisted living
• Long-term nursing care
• Memory-supported care with beautifully landscaped enclosed courtyard and life enrichment activities
• Short-term rehabilitation services with nursing care and therapy services
• New Village Center with an up-to-date fitness center, art center, casual dining bistro, classroom, Grand Room reception facility and lounge areas

Take our virtual tour to see how we've transformed senior living with a new Village Center, 30 new villas, 30 spacious apartments and a new Memory Support Center. It's a life full of enriching activities in beautiful surroundings with caring staff. If you'd like to visit us in person, call 937-436-6850 to schedule an appointment.

 

The holiday season is upon us. For most of us, this means trying to find the perfect gifts for all the important people in our lives. What usually starts out innocently enough usually ends in frustration, arms thrown high in the air with an audible sigh.

Before you give up before you start, we’ve collected some great gift ideas for all the seniors in your life. If you’re worried about buying for a senior that has recently downsized or maybe isn’t as mobile as in the past, take heart - the perfect gift does exist! Check out our list of gift ideas below.


 

1. Hire a maid.

Seriously, hiring a cleaning service is a gift that any of us would love to receive! Having someone else do the cleaning is a great, practical gift that frees up time and lets the gift receiver feel pampered. Plus, a clean house is much more calming than a dirty one.

2. Give a Jitterbug cell phone.

Want to stay in touch with grandpa but he refuses to learn how to use an iPhone? Don’t fret. Jitterbug phones are made for older adults: the keypad is larger and there’s no insane gadgetry or applications to learn. Seriously…this cell phone is really just a phone!

3. Netflix.

Movies are a hit with people of all ages. Even better if someone else is paying price of admission! With Netflix, movies come at the user's leisure: simply watch and return when ready, then select another DVD.

4. Wii Consoles

Want to keep your parents active past 60? 70? 80? The Wii gets everyone in the family moving thanks to low-impact, high excitement games and fitness courses. Wii bowling is wildly popular on the Bethany Village campus. All Wii fitness games promote movement and circulation – without having to leave the comfort of home. Such games are exceptionally good in cold winter areas where walking outside could be dangerous because of snow and ice.

5. Coffee. And a Keurig machine, too.

Keurig machines are great for all coffee lovers, but especially for those who live alone or who maybe don’t drink a lot of the caffeinated stuff anymore. With a Keurig machine, coffee is brewed one cup at a time – courtesy of the Keurig K-cups. K-cups come in all flavors and can be purchased just about anywhere. Hot chocolate and teas are also available.

6. Puzzles.

Puzzles help keep the mind alert and can provide hours of activity. Giving a few puzzles means your gift recipient can share with others – and perhaps make a new friend in the process.

If you’re looking for more ideas, you might check here or at Wellhaven. Do you have any ideas of your own? Please let us know in the comments section below.

If you are scouting living options for a parent who can no longer live alone or whose care requires more than a family member can provide, assisted living might be a good option. Bethany Village offers a comprehensive continuum of care that includes independent cottages, villas, and apartments; assisted living apartments, rehabilitation care, and long-term nursing care.

But all assisted living places are not the same; it pays to visit as many as you can to see everyday life in action. Sometimes what you actually see when you make a scouting visit is more revealing than answers you receive to your questions. Here are a few things to look for:


 

• Do the residents and staff seem happy? Are they smiling?
• Are the grounds nicely landscaped and well kept?
• Are the interiors – living spaces and common spaces – clean and tidy?

• Do your employees enjoy working here? Can you show me current employee satisfaction survey results? What is your turnover percent compared to the average?
• What do you do to ensure the facility follows all state and federal regulations? Do you have committees that oversee quality? Do you perform regular audits to ensure quality care?
• Do you have current resident and family satisfaction survey results you can share with me?
• What is the ratio of nurses to patients? How does it compare to other facilities?
• Do you use agency nurses or have your own employees? The organizational commitment and consistency of care that comes with having employee nurses is important.
• What do you do to keep residents as independent as possible?
• How is toileting handled for those who are not mobile on their own?
• Are rooms private or semi-private?
• What furniture and décor items can I bring in to make my parent’s room more like home?
• Can residents select their own meals?
• Do you have an onsite laundry?

As you can see, there is a lot to consider when you are investigating assisted living or long-term care for a loved one. Visit www.medicare.gov/NHCompare for information on nursing homes in your area and to compare facilities using Medicare’s Five-Star Quality Ratings, health inspection results, nursing home staff data, quality measures and fire safety inspection results.

Here is my last piece of advice – and it’s probably the most important of all: look for a facility or community that is based on a "social model," not a "medical model." A social model focuses not on what residents can’t do, but on what they can do. Feeling empowerment, independent and able to make ones own decisions is the best medicine of all.

We welcome your comments and questions about how to find the appropriate level of care for your parent(s).

Care giving for an aging or elderly parent is usually a fairly long-term proposition that may evolve from just checking in every day to actually moving in. Chances are, however, that your parent’s needs will eventually escalate to more than you can safely handle on your own. That’s why it is so important to have a discussion early on about how both of you will know it’s time for a move to long-term care. If you reach agreement when life is relatively calm, it will much easier for you to take the next step when it’s necessary.

In the meantime, here are 10 tips for you to keep in mind for your own well being as you care for your parent.

1. Lead as much of a balanced life as circumstances allow.

2. Make sure you stay healthy. Eat well and get enough sleep.

3. Be aware that depression goes along with long-term care giving. Exercise will help ward off the blues. You may benefit from professional counseling as well.

4. If your parent is gravely ill, you may be grieving over the reality of slowly losing him or her. Seek emotional support from family and friends. Avoid emotional isolation.

5. Avoid physical isolation, too. You may find yourself homebound along with your parent. If you can’t get out regularly, invite people to drop by. Have family and friends over for potluck meals and holiday celebrations.

6. It’s difficult to do, but try to keep any personal issues separate from your care giving responsibilities. Stress can damage the relationship between you and your parent.

7. Your parent needs to have as much autonomy and independence as possible. It’s important for him or her to make decisions (like deciding what to have for lunch) and have some meaningful activity (like folding the clothes) that contribute to home life. These things may seem insignificant, but they greatly enhance quality of life.

8. A cognitively impaired person requires a set routine, but within that routine, he or she needs still some meaning and purpose to ward off depression.

9. It’s important not to encourage a role reversal. Your parent has lived a life. Respect that and preserve the relationship.

10. If your parent refuses to eat regardless of what you do, take it clinically not personally. Get a medical evaluation. Having no appetite could be a precursor to an acute illness.

If you need additional help and have financial constraints, Medicaid will assess your parent’s requirements and, if he or she qualifies, will provide assistance. Some examples of assistance - regardless of ability to pay - include home health care, adult day care, Meals on Wheels, housekeeping and home health companion services.

Were these tips useful for you? The Bethany Village staff welcomes your comments. Let us know how you are getting along with care giving for your parent(s).

Adult children caring for an aging parent have at least one thing in common: unrelenting anxiety over their loved one’s day-to-day well being and safety. If the older person in question has a memory impairment or disability, there is even more reason to worry.

Often, adult children find themselves caught in a difficult grey area: with some supervision and in-home care, mom or dad could stay put. On the other hand, moving to a long-term care facility would ensure proper care and safety. What to do?

It is important to discuss plans and options sooner rather than later so that everyone knows what to expect. A general guideline is to match the environment to whatever your loved one’s abilities are at the time. The goal is to maintain his/her function at the highest level possible. As mom or dad change, you can adapt the environment accordingly. After 13 years working in long-term care at Bethany Village, I have counseled many adult children caught in the throes of what to do about mom or dad. If an elderly person is not ready for long-term care, but needs some safety precautions at home, here are 10 good places to start:

1. Remove all firearms. It should go without saying, a person whose thinking is impaired, whether by memory loss or depression, should have never have access to firearms.

2. Devise a medication plan. It’s easy enough to forget to take a pill or to take a double dose when you are young. Older folks, who often take many medications on a variety of different schedules, may need extra help sorting and organizing their pills.

3. Encourage a smoking cessation plan. Cigarettes and tobacco products are unhealthy for all the obvious reasons – plus smoking is a fire hazard. With the loss of short-term memory, a smoker will eventually forget to light up, but the body will still react to the loss of nicotine, which is an addictive drug. Talk to the doctor about how to wean your loved one off nicotine.

4. Make the bathroom accessible. Install grab bars and a raised toilet seat with handles. A walk-in shower is much safer than a tub or shower that requires stepping up and over a threshold. Be sure to regulate the temperature of the hot water down by adjusting the hot water heater.

5. Remove hazards. Many houseplants are poisonous. People with impaired memory sometimes try to eat plants, so it’s best to remove them. Disable the locks on interior doors, especially the bathroom door. Older people sometimes become paranoid and lock themselves in a room.

6. Adapt the kitchen stove. If you fear that your parent will leave the stove or oven on, arrange to have a timer installed that will turn it off after a given time – such as 30 minutes. Eventually, you may have to disconnect the stove.

7. Take the keys – and the car. Sometimes, asking a parent to give up the car keys isn’t enough. Eventually, you may have to remove the car from the premises.

8. Use electronic helpers. If your mom or dad tends to wander, consider using a GPS tracking device. If you are worried about what’s happening when you are not on the premises, consider installing a "nanny cam" that you can monitor from your computer or Smartphone.

9. Reach out for help. Make sure the neighbors, friends and groups like your loved one’s church members are aware of the situation. In addition, take advantage of resources such as the Alzheimer’s Association and support groups.

10. Take care of yourself. If you live with your mom or dad, look into adult daycare for a respite. It’s important to step away now and then to restore your body and spirit. Taking better care of yourself ultimately means better care for mom or dad.

If you have questions or concerns about how to make decisions regarding care and safety for your parents, please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

For many seniors having a car and the ability to drive anywhere and anytime is understandably a luxury they do not willingly want to relinquish. They have been driving the majority of their lives and many cannot imagine giving this up.

If one or both of your parents is facing the decision to stop driving, either because of personal health or safety issues, understand the gravity of the decision. To provide support, be encouraging and offer up some positive aspects of letting someone else do the driving.

A big benefit is financial. The money saved on insurance, gas and routine maintenance is substantial and can be applied toward paying for private transportation when needed. Other benefits include the end of battling inclement weather and skipping the annual hassle of renewing car insurance, driver’s licenses and registrations.

If your mom and dad live in a retirement community such as Bethany Village they can still keep their independence whether they drive or not. Bethany provides bus transportation to local grocery and department stores, physician offices and pharmacies at no extra cost. Bethany also provides private transportation based on individual needs and assistance that might be required.

Children that live nearby can also provide transportation assistance, and pair the outing with lunch and some quality time with mom and dad.

Our society is of the mindset that once you can no longer drive, your life comes to a halt. While driving can certainly afford your parent(s) a more spontaneous lifestyle, with some advance planning, a full social calendar is possible!

Have you recently had the "no more driving" talk with mom or dad? How did it go? Leave your advice in the comments section below. AARP has more information about planning the conversation.

More and more seniors are selecting and ultimately moving to a retirement community in a state other than where they currently reside. Not surprising, one major factor in this decision is the consideration of wanting to be closer to their children and grandchildren.

Family is a huge pull on the emotional heartstrings. The opportunity to be closer to children and grandchildren and be a part of their daily lives often motivates seniors to relocate where family lives.

There are many benefits for both parents and their children. First, there is an opportunity to check-in frequently with one another, whether it is gathering for Sunday family dinners or simply an impromptu visit. Also, having parents in the same city allows them to attend grandchildren’s special events, such as dance recitals or weekly soccer games.

On a more practical level, having parents close by enables the sons and daughters to assist more in situations where one or more parent’s health is declining. When parents live far away, sons and daughters need to take vacation days, or even a week at a time to visit and provide assistance on a more sporadic basis. If the parents are in good health, many are helping assist with their grandchildren, offering to watch grandchildren after school or transport them to events while the parents are at work. This is a tremendous help when both parents work outside the home.

Often the sons and daughters are doing the initial research and paving the way for mom and dad to move closer. More and more initial visits here at Bethany Village  in Dayton, Ohio are with the entire family or just with the adult children. It used to be I would see the children at the end of the process or on moving day but not anymore.

Are you now living in a senior retirement community like Bethany Village? Did you enlist the help of your children for guidance on your decision? Leave us a comment and tell us your story.

Directions to Bethany Village:

Bethany Village is located just north of the intersection of Interstate 675 and Far Hills Avenue in Centerville, 10 miles south of Dayton, Ohio.
Click here for a map or for Mapquest directions.

So your parent(s) have made the decision to move to a Retirement Community – a big step indeed. This decision in and of itself is a monumental one and no doubt as the son or daughter you were involved in the process. Now, it’s just a matter of packing and moving mom and dad to their new home right? For a lot of people, what lies ahead is one of the hardest parts – the emotional aspects of downsizing.

As a senior living counselor for Bethany Village, a continuing care retirement community in Centerville, OH, I hear over and over, "What am I going to do with all my stuff?" In many cases, 40 to 50 years of memories have accumulated in attics, basements, closets, drawers and garages. Belongings spanning two or even three generations have piled up making the downsizing process overwhelming.

So where do you begin?

My best advice is simple: Do a little each day and consider hiring professional help.

First, go through your home room by room and divide belongings into three categories: keep, donate or throw away. Many items have sentimental value, which makes them extremely hard to consider giving away. This is where a professional can be very helpful. Those who specialize in downsizing and transitioning are experts in the sorting process because they look at things with an objective eye. They can also locate auctioneers and provide information on estate sales which can help you sell some of your items, especially valuable collectibles.

Before selling or donating items that are sentimental, take pictures of the treasured items and place those pictures in a memory album. This keeps the memory of the item alive without actually having to physically own it after moving into your new home.

And if a piece of furniture is really important to you, find just the perfect place in your new home to enjoy it.

While it’s ideal to downsize all at once, the reality is many people downsize in stages, storing items until a later date. With children often spread out over many states, it’s not always possible to get it all done at once. Forty or 50 years of belongings is a lot to sift through, so utilize resources to help make the process as seamless as possible. And with the money you make from your estate sale, treat yourself to some new items for your new home!

Share your experiences about downsizing with us in the comments section below. If you’ve been through the process already, do you have any advice or helpful hints? What would you have done differently?

Directions to Bethany Village:

Bethany Village is located just north of the intersection of Interstate 675 and Far Hills Avenue in Centerville, 10 miles south of Dayton, Ohio.
Click here for a map or for Mapquest directions.

• Health changes: shortness of breath, increased pain, unexplained bruises or other injuries, difficulty walking, changes in eating or sleeping habits
• Memory loss: missed appointments, losing or misplacing items, repetitive conversation, missed doses of medications or medications taken at wrong times
• Mood changes: loss of interest in usual activities, being withdrawn, prolonged sadness, increased irritability, unusual fears
• Poor safety judgment: stove burners left on, unexplained dents in the car, getting lost, dressing inappropriately for the weather
• Decline in personal appearance: wearing the same clothing, poor grooming and/or hygiene
• Decline in living conditions: house not being kept up like it used to be, dirty dishes or paperwork piling up, rooms messy
• Difficulty managing finances: unpaid bills, unable to maintain checkbook